wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The beer is more important than you right now.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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