Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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