Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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