i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
