I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
