my vag is so smooth its legendary
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
