So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The Olympian is in my bed
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