:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize