Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
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Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
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Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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