I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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