So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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