Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
