i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
