Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
