Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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