please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
