Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
