I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
