wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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