So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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