and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
