dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
