I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
