I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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