I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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