I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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