Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Randomize
