I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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