My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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