I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
