Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
