I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
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She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
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She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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