OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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