u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
