I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
