I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
