cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
