When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
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I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
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and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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