Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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