Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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