Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
