You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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