A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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