she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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