So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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