Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i think i just naturally attract stoners
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
