At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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