I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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