i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I met the friendliest cop last night
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
