i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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