Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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