i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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