when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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