Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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